WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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