I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
