the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize