the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
