my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Randomize
