Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
