My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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