he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
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