On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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