dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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