This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
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