Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
