I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
