apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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