I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
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