The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
