I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
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