So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
