I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
So much Jack, so little girl.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
