If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
