I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
it glows. i had to have it.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
