I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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