I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
