I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
