I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Randomize
