do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
