Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
