Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
