I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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