Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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