You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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