The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
So here I am, sexting at work.
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