He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
