i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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