I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
