"it" just moved
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
