Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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