Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
