I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
