I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
