It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
