My boss' voice literally gives me gas
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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