i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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