someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize