My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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