dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
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