I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
