why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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