This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I believe in your delicious
Randomize
