She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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