You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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