Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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