he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Randomize
