my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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