I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize