I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
