Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
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