I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize