Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
